Encore Delusion

I always say I hated Ascend, and I think I still will 3-5 years from now. That's how I love Encore that I couldn't possibly have a good time anywhere else. Encore has been a Friday hotspot that my week would seem incomplete without going. And sure enough, it's been a couple weeks since I last saw the dance floor---all because of the Thirstday group we are doing on Thursdays at Central.

I don't know, but for some reasons, I woke up today from a dream about the two clubs. It felt so real it was so hard to tell whether or not it was a dream. In my dream, I was with a lot of people from couchsurfing and we were just all headed to Encore. I was telling them how they'd love the crowd, and the music and the djs. To my dismay, we reached Encore only to find an empty floor. No one was dancing. Everyone was casually seated at tables of eight, waiting for their entrees to be served. Like all of a sudden, my superclub have morphed into a fine dining restaurant. After all that shenanigans, everyone decided to change venues and go to Ascend instead, thinking that since Encore is empty, everyone might have headed to the other club. We were all on the way to Ascend, and I was actually hoping to see a really packed Ascend, but that's when I woke up.

Even my dream did not allow me to see a crowded Ascend.

I'm skipping Encore again this week because of St. Patty's tomorrow, but oh well, there'll be a gazillion Friday's ahead.

St. Patty's Day

I miss the times when I celebrate St. Patrick's day with my friends back in the Michigan. We already know that this day is just an excuse to go crazy and get wasted, but for my friends and I, it's all about having a good time. For the last few years, it has been a green tradition to have chinese to go, then some karaoke before bar crawling. I miss it all---the green shirts, the crazy-drunk people you meet on the streets, the booze, and the smell of beer in the air, most especially, I miss my friends.

It kinda makes me feel sad that those happy days are gone. I had a couple St. Patrick less years since I got back to the Philippines, but I'm now back on track.

Can't wait to bring St. Patty's day to the Philippines tomorrow. I hope it will be a day of good fun and green shirts, and the best people. I'm sure it will be different compared to our tradition back in MI, but I'm sure it'll be a helluva day just cause I'm spending the day with my favorite people.

Now time to run through my wardrobe for that perfect green tee.

Happy St. Patrick's! Cheers!

Ants

Sometimes, I wonder--do ants know their hours are numbered when they bite? When I feel something crawling on my skin, often than not, it's an ant zigzagging its way up or down my legs or arms, and I will look at it and it will look back as though it understands what will happen next. Then, just a split second later, I will feel this zing--the prickly feeling of a bite, and I'm left with no choice but to blow it away or squish it to bits. I wonder, do they realize they'd die if they bite me, or they know they'll die anyway so they bite?

No goodbyes

I have proven that 117 days is enough to get to know one person--to be part of his life, and to allow him to be part of yours. 117 days is indeed enough to change a life, to make a difference, to start a friendship that can cross boundaries.

Four months ago, I met Bjorn. He is a guy from Belgium and the first person I hosted on couchsurfing. Ever since that night I picked him up at Starbucks, he became not just a friend, but the big brother I never had. I run to him for comfort. He is the first person I tell my plans and ideas to. I think the important word here is family. He is that family to me.

I would have wanted him to stay longer in the country, but like all travels, it has to come to an end in order to start a new journey. I realize it's quite tricky that you meet some really good people in your life only to have them leave you at one point (although they didn't have a choice.)

Now I am all too sad that Bjorn is on his flight back to Belgium, but at the same time, I am all too happy to have known one sincere guy. A friend told me that we shouldn't be sad it ended, instead, be happy it happened.

And I am going to live to that. I can only be thankful to have met someone like Bjorn who have touched my life in all positive way imagined. I am so lucky to have found a true friend who I know won't let the distance make him forget of the good fun times.

I hope one day I can also be a Bjorn to someone and bring life, and color, and rainbow to a day, the way he colored mine.

Bjorn's send off / Carry me home night

What I love about Friday nights is that it means I get to spend it with my favorite people--these are the people who, through time, have been part of the really fun times.

Last Friday was the longest couchsurfing party night out I could ever remember. It started off with a simple dinner at Chariya--this very cozy thai restaurant. The food was great, it was better than some upscale thai restaurants I've dined in. They have green, red, and yellow curries. The red one was too sweet for my pallet, and the green one a little too spicy, but a combination of both is perfect. Their thai milk tea is really good as well.

Usually, Friday night means clubbing and dancing the night away, but what's good about dinners is that people get to talk and bond a little, get to know the couchsurfers and share some amazing stories with each other. It's usually through these little dinners that friendship grows and bonds become stronger.

What's also interesting about last Friday's dinner was the French family we met. I have probably met the youngest couch surfer--Mayumi who is the 2-year old pretty doll daughter of Jimmy and Hilda.

After a bazillion photo ops after, we then decided to go to Ascend super club in the Fort which kinda sucked because there wasn't any crowd at all. There was a little confusion between the club's promoter, but the night was saved and it continued to blossom when we decided to change venues and go to Encore instead. (By this time Mayumi and her parents are already home, and as promised, Jimmy and Hilda will go clubbing with us in the coming Fridays when they get to find a nanny to look after Mayumi.)

I never wrote anything about the clubbing and partying I've done in the past, but now that I have the itch to write it, I might as well. Encore has been the Friday hot spot for my friends and I. We go there because we feel at home, because we like, oops, I mean love the music they play, because we are treated well, and because it is so much better to dance in a super crowded floor than in an empty room where people will just stare at you and bug you to order beer in the middle of your dancing. I like it when it is skin on skin as we shout New York or even shot shot shot shot shot. There is no need to worry even if the sky is falling down.

After a pound for pound dancing, Encore closed at three in the morning and we were much obliged to move to our next favorite bar which is Distillery. We love the place because it is intimate, very chill and a good venue to get into some more talks, or drown into some more beers. You can smoke, concoct your own drink, talk, dance, almost anything and everything that will keep your mind off of boredom. Jason made some delish sake bombs which are shots of sake dropped in a pint of beer.

Three san mig lights, one heineken bottle, two sake shots, and three sake bombs after, I died.

The next thing I know, I woke up on my bed with a terrible terrible headache. Later, I found out that Karla and Bjorn took me home and made sure I make it to my bed safe and asleep. Few hours after I woke up, and while still nursing my cracking head, I saw all the embarrassing pictures up on facebook. It was a good mix of embarrassment and fun--there were pictures taken of me and some cigarette vendors which I don't even remember taking--ah, the good times are also the most embarrassing.

That's the thing I love about hanging out with my favorite people---it's fun, it's heartfelt, and it's friendship beyond any definition.

I can't wait for the next Friday!

Poker face

My dad just made my Saturday!

He was stupendously sweet this morning. He was sitting on his favorite chair and I was standing beside him when he started to lean on me as though he's been missing me. He also made some pancakes and those pancakes never tasted so good.

I don't know what's up with my dad, really. I mean I love him in all honesty but even I often tell him he's not sweet whenever he refuses to take pictures with me. He's always stern, and strict, the way I imagine all lawyer dads are. But today, he's all I ever wanted in a dad and that makes me one bazillion times happy.

PS. He just actually passed me by and I'm pretty sure I heard him singing poker face!!

Another round of depression

Another week has passed, and I'm still feeling sad. I don't have a life to do anything, I don't want to put effort into doing anything, and I just feel so bad. I've been bingeing a lot, and I know I have to stop and get back to shape but I can't find reason to do so. This is supposed to be my year, but somehow it feels like it's slipping right before me and there's nothing I can do about it. Maybe I need to be with my friends, maybe I need to go to another beach get away, maybe I need to start over again. I don't know. All I know is that I want everything to go back to daffodils and pixie dusts and rainbows and pinks. I just don't know how I can make things go back to fairy tale.

Not my week

This week has been majorly tough. I don't know what happened but I started the week feeling so low and down. Like all of a sudden, I lost all my will, drive, and passion to do everything that I am doing. I keep sighing and sighing, and even my housemates start to notice.

In my attempt to get my happy I tried to get a slice of blueberry cheesecake on Monday, but it wasn't as good as I wanted it to be, so major disappointment. In Tuesday I did buy some flat tops cause I always know you could never go wrong with chocolate, but it still didn't lift my spirit. I try to eat as much comfort food I can---rice, some pickled vegetables but it still didn't do any good. And today I bought 2 dozens of honey glazed KK donuts and I'm still not feeling any better.

I could actually cry now. No, actually I'm becoming so teary eyed, like it all welled up and are ready to fall.

I'm still not sure what's gotten to me that I didn't have the attitude to smile and talk to people. I didn't bother do any work this week and I just didn't have the inspiration to do so. I lack motivation.

Apart from this lack of productivity, I'm still carrying a big weight on my shoulder. Two months have passed and I still haven't told my parents that I quit my job. I guess this is where it all boils down to.

I'm sad, I feel pathetic and miserable, I don't have a job, I don't have any plans whatsoever, and right now I tried just about everything I can to brighten up my day, and I still feel loomy.

People Watching part 1

People watching has been my latest hobby and for the third time this week, I sit in Starbucks to observe.

The girls on my right have been talking about their jerk of a boyfriend for like an hour now. Nonstop talks on cars and their trip to Tagaytay, and anything and everything that will make them sound cool have been dominating the convos.

There is also a table of what looks like a straight guy and a gay guy. The straight guy looks so clueless that the gay guy is heavily hitting on him.

There is another table of a Korean looking couple. Looks like their on a date or something. Many lull moments though. I don't think there's gonna be a part 2 for this young chap.

Eek, on my left are two tables. One, occupied by a somewhat 50 year old red neck, and beside him is a table where a Filipina is seated. Small talks has started. Wonder how far that talk would run. Hopefully it won't lead to a part 2.

As for me, I better get my acts together and go back to editing my book. 70 pages to go! :)

Fast forward button

Can we already hit the fast forward button? I woke up so early today and cleaned my room, and packed my duffel bag, pressed my gown, and polished my nails, and it's still 9:30 am! Seriously.

I wish there is a remote control to move forward and rewind. Can't wait for 17:30 to meet my good 'ol buddy, Bjorn! And then 19:30 for dinner with my people! :)

And meh, I should get back to editing my book, I haven't lifted a single page today, shame on me.

My day is just so-so

Today, I'm still sick so I had no choice but stay in. I edited about 20 pages of my book, I know it's not productive and I've been really lazy, but it's better than nothing. I also fell in love with Adam Young and his super upbeat songs. What more, I found out that we are born on the exact same date. It's my first time to actually know someone who shares the same birthdate, so that makes me happy even if it's shallow happy.

Also, I was able to talk with Chris today. Sad that he won't make it this year, but happy that he told me "we're good for each other." I hope we can keep our relationship going. It's been long distance for such a long time now and at some point it just has to stop being LDR.

I can't wait for tomorrow because tomorrow means a day spent with my favorite people! I'm meeting my super friends for dinner before I head home to my dad's house. Saturday is the big wedding of my cousin, which means a big celebration with the coming Chinese new year as well. Good to be with my family! Can't wait for tomorrow and Saturday!

Hope my cough would stop pretty soon!

I hate kids part 2

I lack sleep. And it's because of that little creature with ten tubby little fingers. She keeps crying all night long!

Today I went downstairs only to find a huge tin of powdered milk, baby bottles, pacifiers, stuffed animals, puppets, little slippers, extra small baby clothes scattered all around the living room! My house has turned into a daycare center! Like all of a sudden they took over and the only thing that stays the same is my room. It doesn't feel and look like our house anymore and I'm just not ready for this! Not ready to live with a one year old baby who isn't even my friend's daughter.

They say that women are motherly in nature, but somehow it just doesn't apply to me. I don't feel any amore toward little things that crawl or cry or just feeds on milk bottles. Or maybe I'm still a girl, not a woman, that's why I don't understand how people can make babies as though they're just baking muffins. I still don't get it.

I hate kids!

It's official: I'm allergic to kids---especially those who cry late nights and interrupt my beauty sleep.

Today, I woke up and found out that I am a really really selfish person. I only care about myself, my well being, my everything. I never wanted to have kids or a family, or even get married because getting there means obligations and responsibilities.

I want the carefree---and by that I mean not having to worry about anyone around me, not having to care what will happen to other people, and just live the moment.

Yesterday, my housemate's boyfriend moved in with us. He moved in with his one year old daughter and a nanny. That's just the beginning. After only a night of them being in our house, I couldn't take it anymore! There is the crying, and the crying, and the crying! And now I'm seriously thinking of moving out!

I just can't handle kids! Anyway, I think my point really is that in life we make decisions and choices and we have to live with the consequences or whatever effect those dumb decisions or smart choices we made. Why do I have to bear with the consequences of other people's poor decisions? That's just sick.

Barbie girl

I went to see my brother today and he told me to stop living in my little barbie world. Not everything is fantastic.

The Deed, the Date, the Goodbye

You know how it is when we desperately want closure. We come up with silly excuses, and plot crazy schemes to finally find out the truth. But I guess I linger on to the grey areas. I like the greys only because it gives me slight hopes. I like the greys because it means there is still something to look forward to.

Anyway, there was something more to the Nagsasa weekend than walking on the shore hand in hand. There was a little kissing on the ears, little touch feely here and there.

We went out again for dinner on his last night to the country, but there was no kissing, only touches and long stares.

I'm not sure if something more would have happened if I let him, or if I let myself. I really don't know. And now I'm back in the grey thinking what ifs and what could haves. I think we really will click as good friends, he's funny and very caring, and sweet. I'm just not sure he sees me that way. And now he's gone and never would I find out what would have been.

For the meantime I will stay between black and white. As for the closure, maybe I will have it one day.

The week that was

"If you keep doing the same thing and you're getting the same result, maybe you should try something else."

I am that kind of person who goes to the same place every time, does the same thing all the time. I always liked being on my safe zone which means just staying home doing little nothings. This week though, I decided to put myself out there. And by out there, I mean go out and not stay home.

I've been practically out everyday except Monday as I needed my rest after the epic Nagsasa beach weekend. Tuesday I went out to meet Gail and Wayne and Ronnie for dinner. I then went with Ronnie, Deric, Benj, and a few more (TJ, Ian, and Lynn) to a quiz night for fun. We also won the quiz night (even without me contributing anything to the score) which made the night perfect!

Wednesday, I was at Starbucks people watching and editing my book for a few hours, then I met with Kcia and Johnny for a good chinese dinner plus some girl-boy talk!

Thursday, it was time for me to meet my really good friend Marlene for some girl talk--oh yes, I'm still obsessed by this one little spoiled guy.

Friday, I went out on a pseudo date at Kashmir.

Saturday was another long Manila road trip! That's that for the week, it's been so much fun doing something else other than staying in.

So here's what happened

You already know I met Joel last week (Monday) and like I said he is sleazy and I really don't like him or his sense of humor either.

So tuesday passed, and wednesday, and thursday and I didn't even remember that I ever met him.. like I totally forgot about him which means he wasn't really that remarkable.. There was no impact.

So then I got this call friday afternoon and it was him.. I almost did not recognize who he is! He was asking if there's anything to do on a friday night, and I told him I'm going to Nagsasa with a big group of CS and he can join if he wants to and so he joined..

That's where all the flirting started.. and I don't like so many things about him!! And yet I'm obsessing about him! This is not healthy for me! And I got pissed with Red and Drew because they were both hitting on Joel. Like at one point they almost competed for Joel's attention.

So I guess I had my ego bruised cause it felt like I was also competing for Joel's attention and my competition are two gay guys! How depressing can it get?

So it's like Joel and I will walk on the shore and then out of nowhere Red or Drew will pop and ruin the mood.

And I asked Joel if he's gay and he said he's straight.. he also said that a lot of gay guys think he's gay and like hit on him but he really likes girls and don't see himself part of the homo group..

So there, and we shared the tent with Red and Jester.. he was hugging me the whole time we slept, and we would hold hands and stuff like that..and there was even one point when we were in bed and he started kissing my ears but like I just laughed and asked what he think he was doing.. actually he didn't answer and he just stopped.

And now i'm really itching to ask him why he stopped.. cause i liked what he was doing.. and if red and drew weren't in the tent, and if they weren't hitting on Joel, i would have probably jumped and made out with Joel..

Again, I have to say that there are so many things I don't like about him, and I don't think he is into me either! Cause if he was, he would have done something and like I put myself out there a lot of times. I sent him text messages if he wanted to hang out but didn't happen. and he went to batangas and he texted me and said the bus ride isn't the same without me.. and like I'm thinking how come he didn't even invite me to go with him? SO I kinda think he's really not that into me..

So anyway, long story short.. he's a big flirt like he flirts with everyone! And i got a message tonight from him saying:

how are u? R u busy tomorrow? It would be great if we get together for a drink or dinner. Hope to see you!

What's that supposed to mean? is he asking me out on a date? Or are we going on groups? I don't know. And so I just texted back saying see you tomorrow.

And i didn't tell my housemates about it because I am really scared that they might ruin the only chance that I can be with Joel.

Oh god I feel so little and pathetic writing this. I sound like I'm so into him and I couldn't even make sense out of it. I mean he was just nothing.. he was a nobody and how can that change after a weekend? I don't even understand why I'm obsessing about him!

Epic weekend

He doesn't even look good and somehow, I still like him! What the hell?

So I met this guy through a friend, and I thought he was just funny (I repeat "just" funny.) It was his first night in the Philippines and my friend and I took him out to dinner. I wasn't even attracted to him when we first met, so now I'm wondering how things can change after just a day or two?

I took him with me and the gang to an island cove and stayed in over night. There had been a lot of flirting, tickling, and whatnot, but he does the same to the guys/gays which makes me wonder even more. Is he gay, is he straight, is he bisexual?

I asked him this question at least 4 times and he said he's straight all four times.

I asked if there can be tendencies of him being gay and he said there had been a lot of opportunities to be gay as many people think so too but he just doesn't see himself being one.

I don't know, I really like this guy but there are a million things to not like him. He's a slob, he's flamboyant, he's weird, he smokes pot, he likes bluegrass music, he is sleazy, he is a big flirt, he hits on everyone (and by everyone I really do mean everyone.)

And even with all things I mentioned, I am obsessed about him. This is crazy. I better go to sleep and just hope I forget about him when I wake up.

Geeks

He's that sort of guy who can easily join beauty and the geeks without having to audition!!! So i hate him but I also feel so sorry for him. Like if I could just give him some life skills, I would, but there is no changing that guy.

Seventeen

Too many celebrations today! 

1. It's Rabbit and Carrot's second year anniversary!

2. It's my God-daughter, Sienna's Christening.

3. It's Gabby's (Sienna's big brother) third birthday too!

4. It's also my best friend's 21st birthday.

So, I'm sending my love to everyone!

God mother duties

Today, I found myself going out of my comfort zone yet again (trust me, I'm too stubborn and I always play safe most times.)

I went to another city for the Christening of Sienna--my first ever god daughter--that makes me a god mother! 

Well, I've already made up my mind that I won't ever have kids because 1. I know how kids can be a pain in the neck. I know that because I always give my dad migraines! 2. Taking care of kids means you have to be responsible and motherly, and I am neither. And 3. It needs a lot of money, eats a lot of time, and demands a lot of attention. It's really not for me. Some ladies are born to become moms, and I just don't see myself being one. Not even close!

So anyway, it was actually an overwhelming feeling to know that I'm going to be part of that little girl's life. I will be like her second mom and it's really a big responsibility and I will try my best to be there if ever she needs me.

Also, what's good about this day is that I get to see my long-time friends! There is Dan (Sinna's mom,) and Marlene, and Audrey. We used to be roommates back in our freshman year in the university. 

I find it weird, how to me it seems like yesterday we were just reading Harry Potter books and now, there are kids involved! Kids! With 2 arms, 2 legs, 2 ears, 2 eyes, perfect set of chubby little fingers.

Wow. 

We've really gone along way. Not just us, but also the friendship and the good times.

Newbie

How do you welcome a seemingly annoying newbie?

I've been keeping myself from saying anything negative about this new guy who just joined the organization I'm a part of. And he's been posting a lot of thread and messages about how he is the "new" guy and how he is trying to figure things out. I've really been holding back, but one of the members (who happens to be the devil's advocate) shot back with and sort of confronted him. Mr. New guy also joined in the event I organized, and I don't think he felt welcome.

That's when I felt guilty. I trashed talk without thinking that perhaps he is just the loner-type of person who is in dire need of company, and yet there I was shooing him away. 

I felt bad that negative vibes got in the way, and I wasn't able to welcome him or let him in the group. The worst part is I never even gave him the chance. And now he stopped posting messages on the threads.

That made me feel guilty all the more, especially since it's my fault he felt uninvited.

Should I, or should I not talk to him?

I hate this.

What a bum!

I've been in bed all day, and I think I stink and my hair is already sticking out in all the wrong places, and I bet my face looks all greasy and stuff, and I've been putting on hold a couple projects which will make me miss an opportunity if I don't run in the showers right this very minute.

This is the most unproductive day ever and I've been up the whole 9 hours doing nothing, I repeat: nothing.

What is happening to me? And now I have to cram my celebrity articles or else!

Yea, I'm being lazy. This is bad.

Giggle

Yesterday was epic!

I went out for dinner and some drinks, and met my biggest crush of the year. He is your typical Swiss gentleman and I really like him, he was so funny and smart and really cute all at the same time!

And I dunno, I haven't felt so giggly in a long time so it's quite a refreshing feeling to have that sense of first crush or whatnot at the beginning of the year. 

What a ladies man, not to mention his moony clear green eyes. Blush. J.

Simply wonderful

How else can I describe beautiful?

Yesterday, Sunday, I was invited to the home of one of my housemates. I was very reluctant to go because one, I don't like the idea of being in someone else's house, and two, I don't like all the family thing because I'm never good at it. Coming from not just a broken but twisted family, one would think that I dislike family dinners, reunions, and stuff like that, and I would tell you myself that I really think a happy family only exists in feel good movies.

But damn wrong I was.

The moment I met Rand's mom, I was embraced in the family, as though I was a long-time friend who is visiting for the weekend. His dad made me feel like I'm his daughter. Rand's siblings made me feel like their own. The feeling absolutely amazing that I cannot even describe it because no words can amount to that happy feeling. 

I was consumed by all the happy thoughts, and surrounded by a happy family that I secretly wished they were my parents. 

And yes, their family looked like a cut out scene from a feel-good movie.

But NO!

Their family is far better than any episode in any TV series, or any scene in any flick because theirs is real. And it is something that I never imagined I could ever have.

I felt love, I felt joy, it felt wonderful---I almost didn't want to head back to the city. 

I thought my delight would end the moment my housemates and I hopped in the city bus, but there was that warm feeling, knowing that I can go back to them anytime---that I can, once again, be embraced  in their love, and hope, and delight. J.

The case of the missing Saturday

Where did my Saturday go?

I'm having such a lazy time that I didn't even know where my Saturday have gone. It feels like my Friday just jumped to Sunday. Great. 24 hours of sleeping and more sleeping!

Obsession

Why do we always end up obsessing over someone we can never have?

a. Married/taken guys look hotter?

b. We love the challenge/drama?

c. The unknown is attractive?

d. Because of SGS (Single Guys Shortage?)

e. We are hopeless?

f. I am hopeless?

g. Blah.

Mommy, don't leave me!

I went to the restroom to wash my hands and powder my nose when this really cute girl came in with her mom. Usually, moms and daughters (of a certain age like three to six) would go in the same cubicle, but I noticed that they went separate and little kiddo look like she's just four or something. Anyway, I was putting gloss on my lips when I hear this little cute squeak:

"Mommy, are you still there?"

I didn't hear the mom say anything back.

"Mommy?"

Still nothing from the mom.

"Mommy? Don't leave me."

Still nothing.

"If you leave me, I will leave you!"

I saw the mom go out of the cubicle.

"I'm here honey, waiting for you."

Soo cute. Makes me wonder what's it like to be a mom. Although, I already know I never want to be one, ever. No offense to all moms because I know it's a real tough job! It's just that I don't trust myself so I really never thought about family and stuff like that. Funny though, that little kid made me think otherwise.

Get lucky!

Job interview in an hour. Calling all the gods to send me all their 'lovin!

Back to square one

This day has been stressful, if not torture. I asked myself a bazillion times today:

Did I make the right decision?

Am I doing the right thing?

Should I go back and tell them I made a mistake and ask them to take me back?

What will happen now?

What do I do?

No, what did I do?

Shit, what have I done?

Back and forth, like a ping-pong ball, I asked the same questions that later on turned to extreme head ache.

Thing is, I quit my job--for so many reasons that will only make my nose bleed if I state it over again. I've thrown away everything that I have---a high-paying job at a very reputable web design company. For what? It's the same question I ask myself.

I quit it because it doesn't make me happy and it doesn't make me feel good about myself. But being jobless also doesn't make me happy, and there is no way it's making me feel good about myself either. I know what I want, and yet I don't know what I want. Oh man, I'm hopeless (but I am still very hopeful!)

Crazy, huh? 

To be honest, I'm worried. I've got to pay the rent, and the bills, and I don't know how I could do that without a job, and yes yes, I can see you shaking your head, and I can even hear you saying out loud: Haven't you thought about that in the first place?

And I have thought about it, before finally letting go my job. I don't know, call me a dreamer, or even a believer, but I really thought, and I still think, I won't be happy. Yes, I will have all the money I need, but I will just be in greater stress, and I would have gone mad.

Breathe. 

I hate that I'm back to square one--as though I've thrown my solid two years to nothing. 

Breathe.

I hate that I am starting all over again, as though I'm a fresh grad all over again, thrown in big ocean full of sharks.

Hey, focus!

Well, for what it's worth, I think it's better I start all over again now, rather than start from scratch 5, 10, 15 years from now.

Focus.

I had a choice, and this is the choice that I made. There are consequences that come with my decision--some good, some bad--and yes it's making me cringe, it's making me want to down a bottle of bacardi 151. It's making me feel bad about myself, it's making me feel hopeless, and want to cry, and want to regret my choices---but!

One day, I'm going to go back to this and tell myself I was right after all. One day, all these things that's causing me severe migraine will cause me extreme laughters that will make me shout are you kidding me?! I will go back to this, and laugh at how shallow this supposed problem is. I'll go back to this wondering what am I even thinking! 

For now, OK, I will endure my crazy, but tomorrow, it will still be my day. J.

Enemy number one

Why are some people so easy to hate? More on this story tomorrow!

Burp!

I feel like a bloated blob! Time to get fit!

25 lbs!

Must. lose. weight.

Perhaps home is really where the heart is

I left home (not to rebel, or declare my independence) because of my dad's womanizing. I thought it would be his wake up call if I shake my family a bit, by moving out on a whim. Through time, my family and I were able to patch things up, and I'd like to believe that my dad has stopped seeing any other woman (or at least that's what he said.) 

I moved out last April, and I've only gone back like three times on a spread of eight months, but then came the Christmas holiday, and today marks the 9th day since I came back.

I won't want to admit this but being home after a long time is really quite refreshing! Like, I can just let down my guard, and actually not have to worry about going to work the next day. I can just let out the kid in me and be my parents' little daughter and it will be just fine because home is still home.

There were actually times when I thought being a grown up really sucks because it is too much hard work, and yesterday, I was just telling dad how it's another year which means another year added to my age and I am already feeling very old. 

Perhaps, I'm not really feeling old, it's just the feeling that I am almost 24 and I haven't gone far enough in the course of life. Or I haven't done things that I thought I would have before I'm 24. Staying home, I feel like the seven year old girl that I once was--vulnerable, naive, hopeful, fickle, curious--I don't know. 

But I know that I will enjoy my last two days with my family before I head back to the metro and face another day of my so-called grownup life.

Make a wish!

Today's date is none other than 0102-2010, it could be lucky so make a wish!

I wish my novel will get published in February (the start of my tiger year!)

I also wish to fly out of the country (to anywhere) this year.

and I wish to get a really decent job to jump start my writing career!

Let's see if this will all come true :)

Million dollar question

How do you put yourself out there?