Epic weekend

He doesn't even look good and somehow, I still like him! What the hell?

So I met this guy through a friend, and I thought he was just funny (I repeat "just" funny.) It was his first night in the Philippines and my friend and I took him out to dinner. I wasn't even attracted to him when we first met, so now I'm wondering how things can change after just a day or two?

I took him with me and the gang to an island cove and stayed in over night. There had been a lot of flirting, tickling, and whatnot, but he does the same to the guys/gays which makes me wonder even more. Is he gay, is he straight, is he bisexual?

I asked him this question at least 4 times and he said he's straight all four times.

I asked if there can be tendencies of him being gay and he said there had been a lot of opportunities to be gay as many people think so too but he just doesn't see himself being one.

I don't know, I really like this guy but there are a million things to not like him. He's a slob, he's flamboyant, he's weird, he smokes pot, he likes bluegrass music, he is sleazy, he is a big flirt, he hits on everyone (and by everyone I really do mean everyone.)

And even with all things I mentioned, I am obsessed about him. This is crazy. I better go to sleep and just hope I forget about him when I wake up.

Geeks

He's that sort of guy who can easily join beauty and the geeks without having to audition!!! So i hate him but I also feel so sorry for him. Like if I could just give him some life skills, I would, but there is no changing that guy.

Seventeen

Too many celebrations today! 

1. It's Rabbit and Carrot's second year anniversary!

2. It's my God-daughter, Sienna's Christening.

3. It's Gabby's (Sienna's big brother) third birthday too!

4. It's also my best friend's 21st birthday.

So, I'm sending my love to everyone!

God mother duties

Today, I found myself going out of my comfort zone yet again (trust me, I'm too stubborn and I always play safe most times.)

I went to another city for the Christening of Sienna--my first ever god daughter--that makes me a god mother! 

Well, I've already made up my mind that I won't ever have kids because 1. I know how kids can be a pain in the neck. I know that because I always give my dad migraines! 2. Taking care of kids means you have to be responsible and motherly, and I am neither. And 3. It needs a lot of money, eats a lot of time, and demands a lot of attention. It's really not for me. Some ladies are born to become moms, and I just don't see myself being one. Not even close!

So anyway, it was actually an overwhelming feeling to know that I'm going to be part of that little girl's life. I will be like her second mom and it's really a big responsibility and I will try my best to be there if ever she needs me.

Also, what's good about this day is that I get to see my long-time friends! There is Dan (Sinna's mom,) and Marlene, and Audrey. We used to be roommates back in our freshman year in the university. 

I find it weird, how to me it seems like yesterday we were just reading Harry Potter books and now, there are kids involved! Kids! With 2 arms, 2 legs, 2 ears, 2 eyes, perfect set of chubby little fingers.

Wow. 

We've really gone along way. Not just us, but also the friendship and the good times.

Newbie

How do you welcome a seemingly annoying newbie?

I've been keeping myself from saying anything negative about this new guy who just joined the organization I'm a part of. And he's been posting a lot of thread and messages about how he is the "new" guy and how he is trying to figure things out. I've really been holding back, but one of the members (who happens to be the devil's advocate) shot back with and sort of confronted him. Mr. New guy also joined in the event I organized, and I don't think he felt welcome.

That's when I felt guilty. I trashed talk without thinking that perhaps he is just the loner-type of person who is in dire need of company, and yet there I was shooing him away. 

I felt bad that negative vibes got in the way, and I wasn't able to welcome him or let him in the group. The worst part is I never even gave him the chance. And now he stopped posting messages on the threads.

That made me feel guilty all the more, especially since it's my fault he felt uninvited.

Should I, or should I not talk to him?

I hate this.

What a bum!

I've been in bed all day, and I think I stink and my hair is already sticking out in all the wrong places, and I bet my face looks all greasy and stuff, and I've been putting on hold a couple projects which will make me miss an opportunity if I don't run in the showers right this very minute.

This is the most unproductive day ever and I've been up the whole 9 hours doing nothing, I repeat: nothing.

What is happening to me? And now I have to cram my celebrity articles or else!

Yea, I'm being lazy. This is bad.

Giggle

Yesterday was epic!

I went out for dinner and some drinks, and met my biggest crush of the year. He is your typical Swiss gentleman and I really like him, he was so funny and smart and really cute all at the same time!

And I dunno, I haven't felt so giggly in a long time so it's quite a refreshing feeling to have that sense of first crush or whatnot at the beginning of the year. 

What a ladies man, not to mention his moony clear green eyes. Blush. J.

Simply wonderful

How else can I describe beautiful?

Yesterday, Sunday, I was invited to the home of one of my housemates. I was very reluctant to go because one, I don't like the idea of being in someone else's house, and two, I don't like all the family thing because I'm never good at it. Coming from not just a broken but twisted family, one would think that I dislike family dinners, reunions, and stuff like that, and I would tell you myself that I really think a happy family only exists in feel good movies.

But damn wrong I was.

The moment I met Rand's mom, I was embraced in the family, as though I was a long-time friend who is visiting for the weekend. His dad made me feel like I'm his daughter. Rand's siblings made me feel like their own. The feeling absolutely amazing that I cannot even describe it because no words can amount to that happy feeling. 

I was consumed by all the happy thoughts, and surrounded by a happy family that I secretly wished they were my parents. 

And yes, their family looked like a cut out scene from a feel-good movie.

But NO!

Their family is far better than any episode in any TV series, or any scene in any flick because theirs is real. And it is something that I never imagined I could ever have.

I felt love, I felt joy, it felt wonderful---I almost didn't want to head back to the city. 

I thought my delight would end the moment my housemates and I hopped in the city bus, but there was that warm feeling, knowing that I can go back to them anytime---that I can, once again, be embraced  in their love, and hope, and delight. J.

The case of the missing Saturday

Where did my Saturday go?

I'm having such a lazy time that I didn't even know where my Saturday have gone. It feels like my Friday just jumped to Sunday. Great. 24 hours of sleeping and more sleeping!

Obsession

Why do we always end up obsessing over someone we can never have?

a. Married/taken guys look hotter?

b. We love the challenge/drama?

c. The unknown is attractive?

d. Because of SGS (Single Guys Shortage?)

e. We are hopeless?

f. I am hopeless?

g. Blah.

Mommy, don't leave me!

I went to the restroom to wash my hands and powder my nose when this really cute girl came in with her mom. Usually, moms and daughters (of a certain age like three to six) would go in the same cubicle, but I noticed that they went separate and little kiddo look like she's just four or something. Anyway, I was putting gloss on my lips when I hear this little cute squeak:

"Mommy, are you still there?"

I didn't hear the mom say anything back.

"Mommy?"

Still nothing from the mom.

"Mommy? Don't leave me."

Still nothing.

"If you leave me, I will leave you!"

I saw the mom go out of the cubicle.

"I'm here honey, waiting for you."

Soo cute. Makes me wonder what's it like to be a mom. Although, I already know I never want to be one, ever. No offense to all moms because I know it's a real tough job! It's just that I don't trust myself so I really never thought about family and stuff like that. Funny though, that little kid made me think otherwise.

Get lucky!

Job interview in an hour. Calling all the gods to send me all their 'lovin!

Back to square one

This day has been stressful, if not torture. I asked myself a bazillion times today:

Did I make the right decision?

Am I doing the right thing?

Should I go back and tell them I made a mistake and ask them to take me back?

What will happen now?

What do I do?

No, what did I do?

Shit, what have I done?

Back and forth, like a ping-pong ball, I asked the same questions that later on turned to extreme head ache.

Thing is, I quit my job--for so many reasons that will only make my nose bleed if I state it over again. I've thrown away everything that I have---a high-paying job at a very reputable web design company. For what? It's the same question I ask myself.

I quit it because it doesn't make me happy and it doesn't make me feel good about myself. But being jobless also doesn't make me happy, and there is no way it's making me feel good about myself either. I know what I want, and yet I don't know what I want. Oh man, I'm hopeless (but I am still very hopeful!)

Crazy, huh? 

To be honest, I'm worried. I've got to pay the rent, and the bills, and I don't know how I could do that without a job, and yes yes, I can see you shaking your head, and I can even hear you saying out loud: Haven't you thought about that in the first place?

And I have thought about it, before finally letting go my job. I don't know, call me a dreamer, or even a believer, but I really thought, and I still think, I won't be happy. Yes, I will have all the money I need, but I will just be in greater stress, and I would have gone mad.

Breathe. 

I hate that I'm back to square one--as though I've thrown my solid two years to nothing. 

Breathe.

I hate that I am starting all over again, as though I'm a fresh grad all over again, thrown in big ocean full of sharks.

Hey, focus!

Well, for what it's worth, I think it's better I start all over again now, rather than start from scratch 5, 10, 15 years from now.

Focus.

I had a choice, and this is the choice that I made. There are consequences that come with my decision--some good, some bad--and yes it's making me cringe, it's making me want to down a bottle of bacardi 151. It's making me feel bad about myself, it's making me feel hopeless, and want to cry, and want to regret my choices---but!

One day, I'm going to go back to this and tell myself I was right after all. One day, all these things that's causing me severe migraine will cause me extreme laughters that will make me shout are you kidding me?! I will go back to this, and laugh at how shallow this supposed problem is. I'll go back to this wondering what am I even thinking! 

For now, OK, I will endure my crazy, but tomorrow, it will still be my day. J.

Enemy number one

Why are some people so easy to hate? More on this story tomorrow!

Burp!

I feel like a bloated blob! Time to get fit!

25 lbs!

Must. lose. weight.

Perhaps home is really where the heart is

I left home (not to rebel, or declare my independence) because of my dad's womanizing. I thought it would be his wake up call if I shake my family a bit, by moving out on a whim. Through time, my family and I were able to patch things up, and I'd like to believe that my dad has stopped seeing any other woman (or at least that's what he said.) 

I moved out last April, and I've only gone back like three times on a spread of eight months, but then came the Christmas holiday, and today marks the 9th day since I came back.

I won't want to admit this but being home after a long time is really quite refreshing! Like, I can just let down my guard, and actually not have to worry about going to work the next day. I can just let out the kid in me and be my parents' little daughter and it will be just fine because home is still home.

There were actually times when I thought being a grown up really sucks because it is too much hard work, and yesterday, I was just telling dad how it's another year which means another year added to my age and I am already feeling very old. 

Perhaps, I'm not really feeling old, it's just the feeling that I am almost 24 and I haven't gone far enough in the course of life. Or I haven't done things that I thought I would have before I'm 24. Staying home, I feel like the seven year old girl that I once was--vulnerable, naive, hopeful, fickle, curious--I don't know. 

But I know that I will enjoy my last two days with my family before I head back to the metro and face another day of my so-called grownup life.

Make a wish!

Today's date is none other than 0102-2010, it could be lucky so make a wish!

I wish my novel will get published in February (the start of my tiger year!)

I also wish to fly out of the country (to anywhere) this year.

and I wish to get a really decent job to jump start my writing career!

Let's see if this will all come true :)

Million dollar question

How do you put yourself out there?