Poker face

My dad just made my Saturday!

He was stupendously sweet this morning. He was sitting on his favorite chair and I was standing beside him when he started to lean on me as though he's been missing me. He also made some pancakes and those pancakes never tasted so good.

I don't know what's up with my dad, really. I mean I love him in all honesty but even I often tell him he's not sweet whenever he refuses to take pictures with me. He's always stern, and strict, the way I imagine all lawyer dads are. But today, he's all I ever wanted in a dad and that makes me one bazillion times happy.

PS. He just actually passed me by and I'm pretty sure I heard him singing poker face!!

Another round of depression

Another week has passed, and I'm still feeling sad. I don't have a life to do anything, I don't want to put effort into doing anything, and I just feel so bad. I've been bingeing a lot, and I know I have to stop and get back to shape but I can't find reason to do so. This is supposed to be my year, but somehow it feels like it's slipping right before me and there's nothing I can do about it. Maybe I need to be with my friends, maybe I need to go to another beach get away, maybe I need to start over again. I don't know. All I know is that I want everything to go back to daffodils and pixie dusts and rainbows and pinks. I just don't know how I can make things go back to fairy tale.

Not my week

This week has been majorly tough. I don't know what happened but I started the week feeling so low and down. Like all of a sudden, I lost all my will, drive, and passion to do everything that I am doing. I keep sighing and sighing, and even my housemates start to notice.

In my attempt to get my happy I tried to get a slice of blueberry cheesecake on Monday, but it wasn't as good as I wanted it to be, so major disappointment. In Tuesday I did buy some flat tops cause I always know you could never go wrong with chocolate, but it still didn't lift my spirit. I try to eat as much comfort food I can---rice, some pickled vegetables but it still didn't do any good. And today I bought 2 dozens of honey glazed KK donuts and I'm still not feeling any better.

I could actually cry now. No, actually I'm becoming so teary eyed, like it all welled up and are ready to fall.

I'm still not sure what's gotten to me that I didn't have the attitude to smile and talk to people. I didn't bother do any work this week and I just didn't have the inspiration to do so. I lack motivation.

Apart from this lack of productivity, I'm still carrying a big weight on my shoulder. Two months have passed and I still haven't told my parents that I quit my job. I guess this is where it all boils down to.

I'm sad, I feel pathetic and miserable, I don't have a job, I don't have any plans whatsoever, and right now I tried just about everything I can to brighten up my day, and I still feel loomy.

People Watching part 1

People watching has been my latest hobby and for the third time this week, I sit in Starbucks to observe.

The girls on my right have been talking about their jerk of a boyfriend for like an hour now. Nonstop talks on cars and their trip to Tagaytay, and anything and everything that will make them sound cool have been dominating the convos.

There is also a table of what looks like a straight guy and a gay guy. The straight guy looks so clueless that the gay guy is heavily hitting on him.

There is another table of a Korean looking couple. Looks like their on a date or something. Many lull moments though. I don't think there's gonna be a part 2 for this young chap.

Eek, on my left are two tables. One, occupied by a somewhat 50 year old red neck, and beside him is a table where a Filipina is seated. Small talks has started. Wonder how far that talk would run. Hopefully it won't lead to a part 2.

As for me, I better get my acts together and go back to editing my book. 70 pages to go! :)

Fast forward button

Can we already hit the fast forward button? I woke up so early today and cleaned my room, and packed my duffel bag, pressed my gown, and polished my nails, and it's still 9:30 am! Seriously.

I wish there is a remote control to move forward and rewind. Can't wait for 17:30 to meet my good 'ol buddy, Bjorn! And then 19:30 for dinner with my people! :)

And meh, I should get back to editing my book, I haven't lifted a single page today, shame on me.

My day is just so-so

Today, I'm still sick so I had no choice but stay in. I edited about 20 pages of my book, I know it's not productive and I've been really lazy, but it's better than nothing. I also fell in love with Adam Young and his super upbeat songs. What more, I found out that we are born on the exact same date. It's my first time to actually know someone who shares the same birthdate, so that makes me happy even if it's shallow happy.

Also, I was able to talk with Chris today. Sad that he won't make it this year, but happy that he told me "we're good for each other." I hope we can keep our relationship going. It's been long distance for such a long time now and at some point it just has to stop being LDR.

I can't wait for tomorrow because tomorrow means a day spent with my favorite people! I'm meeting my super friends for dinner before I head home to my dad's house. Saturday is the big wedding of my cousin, which means a big celebration with the coming Chinese new year as well. Good to be with my family! Can't wait for tomorrow and Saturday!

Hope my cough would stop pretty soon!

I hate kids part 2

I lack sleep. And it's because of that little creature with ten tubby little fingers. She keeps crying all night long!

Today I went downstairs only to find a huge tin of powdered milk, baby bottles, pacifiers, stuffed animals, puppets, little slippers, extra small baby clothes scattered all around the living room! My house has turned into a daycare center! Like all of a sudden they took over and the only thing that stays the same is my room. It doesn't feel and look like our house anymore and I'm just not ready for this! Not ready to live with a one year old baby who isn't even my friend's daughter.

They say that women are motherly in nature, but somehow it just doesn't apply to me. I don't feel any amore toward little things that crawl or cry or just feeds on milk bottles. Or maybe I'm still a girl, not a woman, that's why I don't understand how people can make babies as though they're just baking muffins. I still don't get it.

I hate kids!

It's official: I'm allergic to kids---especially those who cry late nights and interrupt my beauty sleep.

Today, I woke up and found out that I am a really really selfish person. I only care about myself, my well being, my everything. I never wanted to have kids or a family, or even get married because getting there means obligations and responsibilities.

I want the carefree---and by that I mean not having to worry about anyone around me, not having to care what will happen to other people, and just live the moment.

Yesterday, my housemate's boyfriend moved in with us. He moved in with his one year old daughter and a nanny. That's just the beginning. After only a night of them being in our house, I couldn't take it anymore! There is the crying, and the crying, and the crying! And now I'm seriously thinking of moving out!

I just can't handle kids! Anyway, I think my point really is that in life we make decisions and choices and we have to live with the consequences or whatever effect those dumb decisions or smart choices we made. Why do I have to bear with the consequences of other people's poor decisions? That's just sick.

Barbie girl

I went to see my brother today and he told me to stop living in my little barbie world. Not everything is fantastic.

The Deed, the Date, the Goodbye

You know how it is when we desperately want closure. We come up with silly excuses, and plot crazy schemes to finally find out the truth. But I guess I linger on to the grey areas. I like the greys only because it gives me slight hopes. I like the greys because it means there is still something to look forward to.

Anyway, there was something more to the Nagsasa weekend than walking on the shore hand in hand. There was a little kissing on the ears, little touch feely here and there.

We went out again for dinner on his last night to the country, but there was no kissing, only touches and long stares.

I'm not sure if something more would have happened if I let him, or if I let myself. I really don't know. And now I'm back in the grey thinking what ifs and what could haves. I think we really will click as good friends, he's funny and very caring, and sweet. I'm just not sure he sees me that way. And now he's gone and never would I find out what would have been.

For the meantime I will stay between black and white. As for the closure, maybe I will have it one day.

The week that was

"If you keep doing the same thing and you're getting the same result, maybe you should try something else."

I am that kind of person who goes to the same place every time, does the same thing all the time. I always liked being on my safe zone which means just staying home doing little nothings. This week though, I decided to put myself out there. And by out there, I mean go out and not stay home.

I've been practically out everyday except Monday as I needed my rest after the epic Nagsasa beach weekend. Tuesday I went out to meet Gail and Wayne and Ronnie for dinner. I then went with Ronnie, Deric, Benj, and a few more (TJ, Ian, and Lynn) to a quiz night for fun. We also won the quiz night (even without me contributing anything to the score) which made the night perfect!

Wednesday, I was at Starbucks people watching and editing my book for a few hours, then I met with Kcia and Johnny for a good chinese dinner plus some girl-boy talk!

Thursday, it was time for me to meet my really good friend Marlene for some girl talk--oh yes, I'm still obsessed by this one little spoiled guy.

Friday, I went out on a pseudo date at Kashmir.

Saturday was another long Manila road trip! That's that for the week, it's been so much fun doing something else other than staying in.

So here's what happened

You already know I met Joel last week (Monday) and like I said he is sleazy and I really don't like him or his sense of humor either.

So tuesday passed, and wednesday, and thursday and I didn't even remember that I ever met him.. like I totally forgot about him which means he wasn't really that remarkable.. There was no impact.

So then I got this call friday afternoon and it was him.. I almost did not recognize who he is! He was asking if there's anything to do on a friday night, and I told him I'm going to Nagsasa with a big group of CS and he can join if he wants to and so he joined..

That's where all the flirting started.. and I don't like so many things about him!! And yet I'm obsessing about him! This is not healthy for me! And I got pissed with Red and Drew because they were both hitting on Joel. Like at one point they almost competed for Joel's attention.

So I guess I had my ego bruised cause it felt like I was also competing for Joel's attention and my competition are two gay guys! How depressing can it get?

So it's like Joel and I will walk on the shore and then out of nowhere Red or Drew will pop and ruin the mood.

And I asked Joel if he's gay and he said he's straight.. he also said that a lot of gay guys think he's gay and like hit on him but he really likes girls and don't see himself part of the homo group..

So there, and we shared the tent with Red and Jester.. he was hugging me the whole time we slept, and we would hold hands and stuff like that..and there was even one point when we were in bed and he started kissing my ears but like I just laughed and asked what he think he was doing.. actually he didn't answer and he just stopped.

And now i'm really itching to ask him why he stopped.. cause i liked what he was doing.. and if red and drew weren't in the tent, and if they weren't hitting on Joel, i would have probably jumped and made out with Joel..

Again, I have to say that there are so many things I don't like about him, and I don't think he is into me either! Cause if he was, he would have done something and like I put myself out there a lot of times. I sent him text messages if he wanted to hang out but didn't happen. and he went to batangas and he texted me and said the bus ride isn't the same without me.. and like I'm thinking how come he didn't even invite me to go with him? SO I kinda think he's really not that into me..

So anyway, long story short.. he's a big flirt like he flirts with everyone! And i got a message tonight from him saying:

how are u? R u busy tomorrow? It would be great if we get together for a drink or dinner. Hope to see you!

What's that supposed to mean? is he asking me out on a date? Or are we going on groups? I don't know. And so I just texted back saying see you tomorrow.

And i didn't tell my housemates about it because I am really scared that they might ruin the only chance that I can be with Joel.

Oh god I feel so little and pathetic writing this. I sound like I'm so into him and I couldn't even make sense out of it. I mean he was just nothing.. he was a nobody and how can that change after a weekend? I don't even understand why I'm obsessing about him!