Back to square one

This day has been stressful, if not torture. I asked myself a bazillion times today:

Did I make the right decision?

Am I doing the right thing?

Should I go back and tell them I made a mistake and ask them to take me back?

What will happen now?

What do I do?

No, what did I do?

Shit, what have I done?

Back and forth, like a ping-pong ball, I asked the same questions that later on turned to extreme head ache.

Thing is, I quit my job--for so many reasons that will only make my nose bleed if I state it over again. I've thrown away everything that I have---a high-paying job at a very reputable web design company. For what? It's the same question I ask myself.

I quit it because it doesn't make me happy and it doesn't make me feel good about myself. But being jobless also doesn't make me happy, and there is no way it's making me feel good about myself either. I know what I want, and yet I don't know what I want. Oh man, I'm hopeless (but I am still very hopeful!)

Crazy, huh? 

To be honest, I'm worried. I've got to pay the rent, and the bills, and I don't know how I could do that without a job, and yes yes, I can see you shaking your head, and I can even hear you saying out loud: Haven't you thought about that in the first place?

And I have thought about it, before finally letting go my job. I don't know, call me a dreamer, or even a believer, but I really thought, and I still think, I won't be happy. Yes, I will have all the money I need, but I will just be in greater stress, and I would have gone mad.

Breathe. 

I hate that I'm back to square one--as though I've thrown my solid two years to nothing. 

Breathe.

I hate that I am starting all over again, as though I'm a fresh grad all over again, thrown in big ocean full of sharks.

Hey, focus!

Well, for what it's worth, I think it's better I start all over again now, rather than start from scratch 5, 10, 15 years from now.

Focus.

I had a choice, and this is the choice that I made. There are consequences that come with my decision--some good, some bad--and yes it's making me cringe, it's making me want to down a bottle of bacardi 151. It's making me feel bad about myself, it's making me feel hopeless, and want to cry, and want to regret my choices---but!

One day, I'm going to go back to this and tell myself I was right after all. One day, all these things that's causing me severe migraine will cause me extreme laughters that will make me shout are you kidding me?! I will go back to this, and laugh at how shallow this supposed problem is. I'll go back to this wondering what am I even thinking! 

For now, OK, I will endure my crazy, but tomorrow, it will still be my day. J.